Overthinking: Stop the Downward Spiral

The Trap of Overthinking

Why isn’t she texting me back? It’s probably because she doesn’t like me. And she probably doesn’t like me because my other friend probably told her that thing that I did ten years ago.

So let’s talk a little bit about overthinking. And if you stay to the end, we’re going to give some regulation techniques that you can look up and deploy.

Have you ever replayed the same conversation in your head over and over and over, even for hours? Or you fall asleep and you wake up and you’re still having the same conversation in your head? Oh my word, so frustrating. And I really get that. Overthinking is a thing.

Overthinking and Denial as Two Sides of the Same Coin

I really feel like overthinking and denial are two sides of the same coin. If we’re overthinking about something, we’re perseverating. It’s going on and on and on about it. But also on this end, there’s denial, or shoving it down. That’s the “I’m not going to think about it.” What’s true is that a lot of times these extreme responses can be related to our trauma or our mental health. And it’s those big swings back and forth that are actually indicative that we’re not in balance, and what we need is some balance in the moment.

So when we’re talking about overthinking, there’s a spectrum to it. There’s overthinking for five minutes or four hours. There’s overthinking about something that’s small and less significant in our lives, and then there’s overthinking about really big things. Either way, it’s uncomfortable, and it can contribute to our anxiousness, our anxiety, and depressive moods. And so what we need is balance.

Why “Just Don’t Think About It” Doesn’t Work

Have you ever, or did you grow up with a parent that said, “Well, just don’t think about it”? Or maybe you have a friend, and you’re starting to think about stuff, and whatever, it gets negative, and they’re like, “Well, just don’t think about it.” Okay, let’s try that. I want you to not think about butterflies right now. And instantly you’re thinking about butterflies. It’s so hard to just not think about something.

What we actually need to do is take that thought, or process of thoughts, and replace it. Replacing the thought and filling that space with something else is actually what’s going to help us regulate. So that’s the first thing to think about: it’s not just “don’t think about it.” We need to step beyond that.

Circular Thinking vs. the Downward Spiral

There’s a couple of ways to think about overthinking. There’s circular thinking, where it’s kind of going like this: we say, this house is so old, and I wish it didn’t cost so much to keep it up, and I wish that my mortgage were less, but this house is so old, and I can’t afford anything else, so I can’t afford to get it fixed, but also… and it’s just kind of a circle. And that’s pretty annoying.

And then there’s a downward spiral kind of thinking, overthinking, and that can get kind of dangerous, because it can take us into a really difficult, dark place. An example of that would be: I have my phone, why isn’t she texting me back? That’s probably because she doesn’t like me, and she probably doesn’t like me because my other friend probably told her that thing that I did ten years ago. And also, that was ten years ago, but why did I do that, and that was really dumb, and why did I make that choice or do that thing, and then it’s still causing problems today. But if I hadn’t done that years ago, then maybe this wouldn’t be happening today. Can you see where I’m headed with this? And maybe I’m a bad person, and nobody loves me, or nobody wants to be with me.

That’s the spiral, where it starts with something simple, like why didn’t this person text me back – which, to be clear, I’m not actually super anxious about – but other things, where we ask this little question in our heads, and it just starts this spiral going down, down, down. The circular thinking is annoying, but the downward spiral can actually be dangerous to our mental health.

Taking an Emotional Pulse

In those moments, what we really want to do is take what I would call an emotional pulse. Okay, hold on a second – what’s going on? Why am I feeling this way? Is this legit, or am I just having a moment? Do I need some sleep? Is this a legit thing where I really need to stop and regulate, or is this just a “stop it” kind of thing? We don’t want to just shove it down if it’s something that really needs to be addressed, because it’s just going to keep coming back up.

Replacing the Thought

So after we take this emotional pulse to see where we’re at, then we want to step into replacing that thought. And replacing that thought can come in so many different ways.

I don’t know if you guys were around for daily affirmations with Stuart Smalley – it’s this SNL skit that was actually pretty funny, because this guy is like, “I’m smart. I am an attractive person. I am fun to be with.” And the reason it’s funny is because there’s an element of truth to it, but it’s also pretty cheesy. Some people would say yes to replacing the thought with something positive about yourself. Absolutely, and that can be done without being cheesy – come up with something that you’re talented at and good at, and repeat that to yourself. That’s one way of doing it.

I like to deploy some other techniques that actually involve my whole body. There’s so many different regulation techniques. My favorite is breathing, and even under that category, there are so many ways of learning breathing techniques. We’ve got other videos that we’d love to share with you that go over some of those. There’s something called voo, there’s something called orienting, there’s grounding – so many things that activate the vagal nerve and really help us calm down in a moment.

Maybe we’re overthinking but we’re not super anxious, and maybe in that case what we want to do is replace the thought with just another thought. Sometimes that could be as simple as getting up, getting off the couch or the chair, going into another room, stepping outside. Stepping outside has its own healing properties.

A Personal Practice

For me, as a person who loves Jesus and whose faith is so important to me, sometimes replacing that thought is repeating a Bible verse. My favorite one to repeat is Colossians 1:17: “He goes before all things, and in him all things hold together.” This verse reminds me that I don’t have to have it down perfect. I don’t have to do things perfectly right now, but that he’s got it, and he’s got me, even in the hard times, even in this hard moment.

So I hope some of those things were helpful for you today, and they’re just good reminders. We’re going to link in the description some of our other videos that will take you into more detail about some of these other regulation techniques. And if you see me in an airport or at a cafe, and I’m looking off in space, I’m probably overthinking. So maybe come over to me and say, “Hey, how you doing?” And then we’ll replace the thought with some great social connection and interaction.

So you guys have a great day, and remember that on this journey, trauma does not get the last word.